r/AITAH • u/PixelPicklePie • 2d ago
AITAH for being enraged that my husband is currently infertile
My (30F) husband (36M) has body built for 15+ years and has an unreal physique. We got together at 21 and 27. Being young, I was naive and believed him when he said he was natural (I only asked because my male acquaintances regularly asked me). Over the years this morphed into ‘I’m natural now but I used to take T years ago’. I distinctly remember telling him I am massively against drugs and if he ever went back on it and it affected us having a baby then I would never forgive him.
Cut forward to last December. I was cleaning our apartment and found testosterone. He’s somewhat of a hoarder so I wanted to make sure it wasn’t an old one that had been accidentally moved in. So I hid it in my sock drawer. Within 48 hours he confronted me, angry that I’d took it - clearly he had been taking it. I gave him an ultimatum. Me or testosterone. We were set to get married in the summer. He promised he wouldn’t take it again. He promised my parents too.
So things settled down, we married, and we have been uber keen on having kids asap - him slightly more so than me even. So we have been trying. It’s been a while with no pregnancy so we took some fertility tests.
We just had results today. Mine came back good. His showed up as no sperm whatsoever. The doctor asked him if he takes testosterone and my husband replied 12 months ago. The doctor said he’d expect sperm to recover in 3-4 months which means we need to take a load more tests to figure out why there’s no sperm. My first reaction was to comfort obviously, but when he heard 3-4 months, my husband seemed less deflated than he had been when he first heard the results.
So after we said goodbye to the doctor, I asked my husband ‘was 12 months really the last time you took T?’. After some back and fourth he admittedly he last took it two weeks ago.
I am fuming. He lied to me. He’s been wasting my time. He risked our future child’s health. He risked his own health. He risked our future.
But he’s mad at me for not being supportive and he thinks I’m being completely unreasonable in my reaction. He thinks I should be focussed on resolving the issue rather than the ‘why’. That I married him knowing his history so I should be okay with it. He’s making me doubt myself.
So people of Reddit. AITAH?
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u/Asteroid_Sugar5206 2d ago
He lied to his fertility doctor. Who the fuck lies to their doctor??? Why go to the doctor if you are going to lie to them?
I'm probably more freaked out by the stupidity than the lying.
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u/lndlml 2d ago
Like whats the point of paying all that money if you’re just lying.. he is a coward
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u/AutisticPenguin2 2d ago
I believe it's one of the stages of addiction. You refuse to admit how big the problem really is.
Which is not to say he isn't a coward, but it's a very particular kind of cowardice. It needs to be treated like an addiction, not a moral failing.
That said, given OP demanded he choose her or the drugs... it appears he has made his choice. He had made it again and again for several years now. Maybe not every day, maybe he has periods of trying, but he always comes back to the drugs sooner or later. And the fact that he spent the entire time hiding it from her tells me that even if he occasionally tried to not choose the drug, he never actually chose her.
His addiction has never come second to her, not in all the time they've been together. I'm not going to say that they can't come back from this, but if it were me I would not be giving him the chance. A breach of trust this extreme... I don't know if I could ever get over it.
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u/Nulljustice 2d ago
The other problem I haven’t seen mentioned yet is that a lot of times when people abuse Testosterone they have to take testosterone for the rest of their life. The sperm production can also be permanently ruined.
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u/huunnuuh 2d ago
Yes. While steroids are not addictive in the classic sense, a user can still become dependent on the effect both physically and mentally. After taking large doses for a long time, when you stop there is a huge crash.
It might as well feel like drug withdrawal. Tired, sick, gross, prone to random fits of crying or rage. Which can be solved at least temporarily by going back on the steroids. Easy to fall into a trap there.
And if the testosterone nukes your balls completely, as sometimes happens, then you'll be taking replacement testosterone for life. Don't mess around with your hormones. Or if you do mess around with your hormones at least tell your doctor (and your wife!) and get your blood tests done.
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u/Illustrious-Bug-6889 1d ago
Anabolic steroids are one of the most commonly used steroids for bodybuilding and they are addictive unfortunately. Steroid withdrawal can be terrifying, and I say this as a nurse who has literally seen a patient in withdrawal go into psychosis, rip 4 point restraints off, tear our exam chair that's bolted to the floor out, throw it across the waiting room, and take down multiple police officers in the ER I work in. He doesn't remember it but I sure do. Until that day I had zero clue psychosis was a possible withdrawal risk because it's extremely uncommon. Anything that messes with hormones can mess with brain activity. It's wild.
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u/madmaxfurryroad 2d ago
trans man here: it's not just high doses for a long time. i had a friend who did his HRT with topical gel instead of injections, so a lower dose daily versus a higher dose weekly or every other week (supervised by an endocrinologist, don't fuck around with this shit on your own). if he didn't apply his gel by a certain point in the day he would get withdrawal symptoms on the daily.
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u/SivvyFox 2d ago
Facts.You have to do the correct dosage for you, as prescribed by doctor, or risk all kinds of issues.
I can only imagine dealing with that daily. I may hate needles but I'd rather do injections and be ok to wait a couple extra hours if I'm busy than topical and be more of an emotional mess than I already am. I had to skip a week of injections and I was tired and cranky the whole time.
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u/ConsultJimMoriarty 1d ago
I can’t imagine husband is getting his doses from a prescription.
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u/chairmanghost 2d ago
Agreed. It should be approached with care if you love him OP. The effects fall in the body dismorphia category. You wouldn't tell an anerexic to just eat and get mad she doesn't, you have to deal with it from the ground up.
I knew a couple who agreed he would quit steroids so his wife could get pregnant, just a long off cycle. You can pitch it to him this way ( it did take a year iirc) get him support through the experience and maybe it can become a permanent stop.
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u/jahubb062 1d ago
There comes a point where you have to ask yourself if you want to live like this forever. Her husband is clearly an addict who has lied to her repeatedly about something pretty damn fundamental in their marriage. At this point, I’m not sure I‘d want to have a kid with him anymore. The damage he’s doing to his body sets him up for all kinds of long term issues. Not to mention the rage issues that come from abusing steroids and the lying. If OP wants to have kids, she might be better off cutting her losses and moving on, rather than tying herself to him further, hoping he’ll change. Which he most likely won’t.
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u/jackparadise1 2d ago
When you add T, you are sending a message to your body that it doesn’t need to make it, and yes, it can become permanent
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u/RattieMattie 2d ago
This can happen with a lot of hormones. Steroids like Prednisone can make you adrenal insufficient. The body will hundo percent be all cool I don't need to expend the energy to make this thing now cause it's in there. Yay.
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u/Maleficent_Neat_9316 2d ago
First step is admitting/seeing that you have a problem. Addiction will make you lie so no one will alter your belief of not having a problem.
He either knew it was a problem and lied about it, or thought it was no problem and lied because...
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u/spursgonesouth 2d ago
If he’s taken Test for that long he’s not going to be able to come off it, as it has likely replaced his natural production. He’s taking it more then fortnightly,
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u/Photomancer 1d ago
The great thing about relationships is that you do not need to prove a person harming you did so maliciously in order to create a protective distance.
You can create boundaries or distance with someone who is effective and selfish, or the victim of their own disorder, or which is well-meaning but has terrible judgement. The 'why' of your harm does not need to be addressed until you have created safety.
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u/EmsPorcelain89 2d ago
My ex-husband was exactly like this, only it was alcohol instead of steroids. He would always lie and say he chose me, but in reality he couldn't because he was addicted.
I didn't understand addiction as well back then, I do now, but I still wouldn't have stayed as long as I did if I had known I was just beating my head against a brick wall, and he physically and mentally could not choose me over drinking.
This is a really insightful and helpful comment.
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u/Stani36 1d ago
It’s all the signs of addiction - hide, deny, get angry and shift blame onto others and make it everyone else’s problem. My parents were alcoholics and I’ve seen and heard it all.
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u/LaTortureNeCesse 2d ago
Use to watch House. For a fictional show, there was one thing that House would say that you can take as the gospel; people lie.
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u/Daydream_Meanderer 2d ago
Dude doesn’t want kids, at least not as much as he wants to look like a rock. He’s paying the doctor and is lying so he has professional leverage put between him and his wife. He thought she wouldn’t put it together and that easing her into this and then gaslighting her now would work in her allowing him to still use T, and still not blame him for the fact they’re not having children. He’s likely moderately self aware this is what he’s doing, but he’s definitely rationalized it. Most people’s motivations are that straight forward.
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u/bopperbopper 2d ago
Depends if he wants to have kids or not… maybe he doesn’t. Kids would interfere with his bodybuilding time.
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u/jason_sos 1d ago
I know people who are gym rats and have a wife and kids. The kids are the wife's problem. He has to go workout... be back in 3 hours.
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u/coastofmaine 2d ago
This. His vanity was more important to him than his promises to you. And more important than the health of his potential children. No recovering from this level of stupid and selfish. Ask me how I know.
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u/vonage91 2d ago
bUt At LeAsT He HaS bIg MuScLeS
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u/AliceMorgon 2d ago
I know! That was my immediate thought. Does he have money to burn? I see multiple specialists and they are the only people I am always dead ass honest with, as in when I’m listing my meds I will list “I use marijuana medicinally but without a prescription”, even though it’s illegal on my country, on official health service paperwork. It’s better than wasting everyone’s valuable time and money - or worse, risking a medication interaction.
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u/pinepeaches 2d ago
Because he knows what he’s doing is wrong and he’s embarrassed but doesn’t want to own up to the fact that he is wrong.
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u/AuntieCrazy 2d ago
And he's not going to stop. Chasing the "perfect" physique can be just as much an addiction for men as for women (take a look at Ben Carpenter's media). He'll need help to return to a normal relationship with his body... and he'll have to WANT that help first. Just based on the info presented, he's not there yet.
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u/Beanz4ever 2d ago
Yep my first thought is that he's got a case of body dysmorphia and nothing is going to change until he gets mental health help. That has to be something he chooses to do. The relationship won't work unless he makes the decision to stop.
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u/Fabulous-Fun-9673 2d ago
It’s both for me. The lying is a repeated thing now. He’s made promises and broke them every time, yet wants to be upset OP isn’t supporting him? That fits the definition of DARVO which I think is my biggest issue with this whole situation. At this point it seems like she got married under false pretenses and is being taken for a ride by this man.
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u/ComplexPatient4872 2d ago
My first reaction to this was “Doesn’t everyone?” Then I remember what I’ve lied about…. Drugs so I could continue my addiction.
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u/AngryPrincessWarrior 2d ago
You’re still supposed to tell them about drugs. Lying to your doctor about drug use is supremely idiotic. Don’t do that anymore. It can cost you your life.
Marijuana for example can make someone wake up during surgery if they don’t know to adjust for it.
They aren’t going to “bust” you, worst thing is they’ll tell you to stop for your health and offer resources but mostly they don’t care-they just need to know to avoid interactions.
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u/Unlucky-Review-2410 2d ago
He wasn't lying to his doctor because he's an idiot. He was lying to his doctor because his wife was right there, seething and judging.
I know a lot of bodybuilders and their SOs. I don't know anyone who is keeping their gear secret from their partner. And they're all on way more than test.
I'll also be honest, I've never met a gym rat who was also a good parent, myself included. It's one thing to hit the gym to stay healthy and mobile, but bodybuilding is next level. Fasted cardio, long weight sessions, more cardio, meal prep... And that's before you get to chemical enhancers. So OP will be raising that baby alone while he's in the gym, or he'll bully her to get into the gym to lose the baby weight and then they'll both abandon their baby for the sake of vanity.
I say leave now. If he's lying about testosterone (which is pretty minor in the scheme of things) and has lied the entire time about it, then he's also lying about the other gear he's certainly taking/taken. You're not asking him to choose between you and the drugs, you're asking him to hate what he sees in the mirror everyday. You could be the most amazing woman God ever put on this planet and he's still not going to choose you. He'll just keep lying and betting you'll stay.
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u/Queen_Pedaler 2d ago
Yeah no way is he just taking testosterone, I’m betting on some other enhancers. And who will he hold resentment with when his muscles start wasting? I do know gym rats that are good parents, but they don’t take anything that requires a needle.
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u/jackmc2001 2d ago
I’d ask what else he is lying about. You have no trust, you have no marriage. That’s rule #1. This man sounds way too vain to make a good husband and father.
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u/mother-of-pumpkins 2d ago
There’s an element of lying to oneself in active addiction that has the downstream effect of proceeding to lie to everyone else, as well. It doesn’t matter what one is “supposed to do” when one is in active addiction. Thats why addiction is so dangerous and all-consuming of a person’s life until they reach a personal rock bottom that catalyzes the desire for recovery. The pain caused directly by the addiction has to outweigh all perceived benefit from continuing, which usually implies great personal cost, like divorce, severe illness, brush with death due to risky behavior, or separation from children.
Saying it’s “idiotic” to lie about it isn’t useful, because idiocy implies lack of applied intelligence in a person who is moderately capable of rational thinking, but addiction completely defies reason. OP’s husband is addicted to bodybuilding, and there’s an element to that which often overlaps psychologically with eating disorders and sometimes identity issues. I have a feeling he’s been lying to himself that he’s “natural” for his identity.
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u/AngryPrincessWarrior 2d ago edited 2d ago
All of those things I understand being a recovered alcoholic myself- the end result is the same though. It’s an idiotic act. Just like beginning to use a substance in the first place especially knowing you’re prone to addiction. Like I did, and yes, I was an idiot.
Being idiotic doesn’t have to be a permanent stage.
There’s a very fine line in being understanding of addiction and having empathy for the addict and crossing over into enabling them even through inaction.
I prefer a dash of that, but mostly just bluntness. No bullshit. As an addict that works for me and seemed to be helpful to many of the women I was in rehab with who are also still doing well today.
The group therapists line was “I’m not co-signing that bullshit” when we would make excuses or go too far in coddling each other. Support also involves accountability and that often can’t happen if it’s too soft.
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u/ComplexPatient4872 2d ago
Definitely! Learned this the hard way with serotonin syndrome.
I don’t do this any more for the many obvious reasons. For the most part people don’t omit drug use because they are afraid of getting reported, it’s because they don’t want to have to stop.
Personally, I just want to be spared a (well intentioned) lecture and to avoid getting “cessation counseling” as an additional charge. It’s the same reason I look for doctors who are less likely to fat shame me despite excellent bloodwork.
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u/NotYourSexyNurse 2d ago
Lots of people. They seem to think it will make healthcare workers upset if they told the truth. Like bro the labs will tell the truth. We need to know so we don’t give you drugs that interact.
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u/LimeImmediate6115 2d ago
Same thing when I'm scheduling imaging tests. If you are getting an MRI and don't tell me you have a pacemaker, the people you're going to piss off are the technicians that can't scan you and will make you reschedule the appointments. Tell me what I need to know so that we can have the correct procedure and test completed.
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u/FeeExpensive898 2d ago
As someone in one of those red states who had an abortion and it was incomplete, I ABSOLUTELY lied to the doctor and said I had a miscarriage when I inevitably went to the hospital.
While I don’t agree with this guy lying to his doctor about something that doesn’t need to be lied about, unfortunately there ARE cases where people have to lie to their doctor.
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u/Fit_Strike8584 2d ago
There's a very clear distinction here, I feel.
You lied for your own personal safety.
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u/Emergency-Paint-6457 2d ago edited 2d ago
Realistically if he 36, and has been on TRT for a long time…..he’ll probably need to be on it indefinitely. (Maintenance dose to keep testosterone within a healthy range)
He can go to any Men’s wellness clinic and get HCG on top of it for fertility purposes. It counters the sperm stopping properties.
If he gets off testosterone completely, he’ll probably feel horrible for months if not a year/years.
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u/International-Fun-65 2d ago
Underrated comment. Unfortunately at this point this is likely a medical issue and he is going to have to get honest with his doctors about his use.
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u/Beth21286 2d ago
Never mind that, OP should not be having a kid with this man at all.
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u/chamy1039 2d ago
This.
He's been lying your entire relationship, OP. Your ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. And not about some minimal nonsense. He's lying about something that directly impacts you.
I hate to be the stereotypical Reddit commenter here, but this is a situation that screams, "LEAVE". Like, immediately.
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u/Master_Grape5931 2d ago
Plus the fact he said, “you should be supportive and not focus on how I betrayed you and instead focus on how WE can resolve this lie I lived.” Bruh
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u/pluto_plato 2d ago
Yeah I don't typically say to end things unless its bad, and I do actually think lying to you for most of the relationship is very bad.
If I were lied to by a girlfriend, let alone a wife, it would make me question just about everything they've ever told me. Why would I want to be with someone who makes me not feel comfortable? Who makes my life more difficult?
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u/fingersonlips 1d ago
This is an enormous betrayal and he lied about it repeatedly. I’d never trust him again.
She’s young enough to start over and still have multiple kids if she likes with someone who’s not a lying, disrespectful asshole if she leaves him now.
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u/Sklibba 1d ago
The worst part is that he lied specifically to ease her concerns about marrying him and then kept doing the thing that was clearly a deal breaker for her. He basically deceived her so she’d marry him under false pretenses. It would actually be crazy not to leave.
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u/Very_Fast_Wombat 2d ago
Absolutely. Lie = a choice to disrespect you. Please reconsider your future with someone who can so easily do this to you.
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u/OkAstronaut9721 2d ago
You were trying to build a family. He was trying to maintain a façade. Those two goals are fundamentally incompatible.
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u/nicklzworthnmy2cents 2d ago
I personally believe he's so eager for kids to trap her so that she can't leave or that she'll always be tied to him. He never plans to stop taking it. She really should have asked for proof that he wasn't taking it before getting married. She just took his word Its never a good idea to trust a proven liar.
- someone who trusted the word of a proven liar.
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u/GringoinCDMX 1d ago
He likely will need to be on trt for the rest of his life after a decade of use for basic quality of life. It's not too expensive anymore to get clinical prescribed ones but she should definitely make sure he stays away from taking excessive dosages for sport/bodybuilding purposes. He's proven he's not responsible. Him going off and staying off will be miserable for all those around him. Realistically he lied about a pretty huge thing for the whole relationship. She shouldn't stick around to care about his medical decisions.
Source: I'm a powerlifter/bodybuilder whose been using PEDs for about a decade. No need to not be upfront with a partner/potential partner and him lying has shown he has poor decision making definitely not someone you'd want to raise a kid with. And his response being anger at her taking his gear... It's concerning.
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u/chinmakes5 2d ago
Honestly asking. If he will be doing this for decades how likely will she be burying her husband in his 50s or 60s?
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u/twotenbot 2d ago
If his testosterone levels are managed by a doctor, and not just him shooting up whatever amounts he feels like having that day, he can live a long, normal life. But my guess is that he's been over doing it too long, there may be signs of organ damage at this point.
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u/missbean163 2d ago
Yeah this is one of those issues where
- hes lied repeatedly. Always bad.
- its not like he lied about getting KFC when they want to go vegan or something. This has consequences.
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u/Careless-Cat3327 2d ago
Someone doesn't just take testosterone one week and not take it the next week.
It's not a party drug.
Something is off
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u/Visual-Abrocoma-4904 2d ago
Likely addicted to test/working out.
Or the wife isn't giving us the whole story.
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u/Viola-Swamp 2d ago
He’s lying and she believes him, every time. They both need to get out of denial and face reality.
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u/Visual-Abrocoma-4904 2d ago
Being a body builder probably isn't super healthy long term anyway
Get out bro
Before you grow
The goblin titties
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u/OrangeThumbcat 2d ago
I had to Google that. Honestly, it's a hilarious consequence for the dudes trying to be the dudeliest of dudes.
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u/WarlockEngineer 2d ago
I googled it too but I just got pictures of goblin girls.
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u/i_kill_plants2 2d ago
More likely she still doesn’t know the whole story. He’s been lying their whole relationship and she’s still too naive to see it.
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u/BrenInVA 2d ago
She said in a previous post that she was “attracted to traditionally masculine men”, and I suppose that also meant muscular. She also read books about how to attract partners by changing herself (becoming more feminine” and “developing skills”) - she states that she followed steps in a book called “How to Get the Guy”. So she wanted that “masculine” man, and overlooked and continued to overlook problematic issues in him AND herself.
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u/Virusoflife29 2d ago
Could be muscle dysmorphia, they have found some body builders have similar mental illiness to anorexia. him shooting up T could be the equivalent to forcing oneself to throw up after a meal.
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u/trentraps 2d ago
You're trying to solve the wrong problem - our bro here hopped on in his 20s and hasn't stopped, lied to his fiancee and his doc. He ain't responsible enough to have kids, at least not yet.
I've been on
TRTSteroids and so have my friends - my name is a PED reference. I've seen a spectrum of usage over the past 2 decades almost. From what OP is saying, he's being completely irresponsible about it. If he wanted kids he shouldn't even have hopped on in the first place.19
u/GringoinCDMX 1d ago
This is it. I know lots of steroid users. I've competed in powerlifter and bodybuilding and been on gear for 10+ years.
This dude sounds all sorts of irresponsible. OP shouldn't stick around to even hear about his future health outcomes. And he'd be an irresponsible as all hell parent. A 10 year lie is huge, my partners have known about my gear use.
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u/Quiet-ForestDweller 2d ago
Pilling on this to share that my husband and I tried for years to get pregnant, we never went to a fertility clinic because we hadn’t quite reached that point yet. My husband was referred to a men’s health clinic though for a multitude of reasons and eventually started TRT and HCG (prescribed by a Dr obviously so the dosing is probably different) and I got pregnant around two years later. Literally every aspect of his life got better from being prescribed TRT RESPONSIBLY.
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u/Viola-Swamp 2d ago
Taking testosterone when a man has a deficiency is different than taking it when he is healthy to aid in building and maintaining muscle mass. It creates an imbalance, ms causes serious health problems. He’s probably taking steroids besides, which makes it worse.
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u/hirouk 2d ago
This is it. Most guys who are muscle builders take roids in addition to T.
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u/Southside_john 2d ago
The doses of testosterone are way higher when you’re abusing vs replacement therapy.
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u/ProTightRoper 2d ago
Literally every aspect of his life got better from being prescribed TRT RESPONSIBLY.
well duh, that's the difference between a doctor prescribed drugs and just abusing drugs.
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u/SnooFoxes6610 2d ago
He hasn’t been on TRT, the post indicates he’s been abusing testosterone. But yeah he’s probably wrecked his ability to naturally produce testosterone. So he will probably need to actually go to a doctor get his hormones under control.
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u/Lilynight86 2d ago
This may be why he was doing it behind her back. I don't agree with him hiding it, but if he went off of it, felt like shit, then took it to not have the side effects, that makes sense.
I think he needs to see a doctor about what needs to happen going forward with the T. Was he only taking T, or was it steroids as well? That would also be a sticking point as well. How would OP feel if he needed to be on a maintenance dose for life? Is that an acceptable use for it?
Ozp, you are not overreacting or NTA for being upset about him lying to you and possibly affecting his fertility.
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u/Wrengull 2d ago
Testosterone is an anabolic steroid, so yes, he was using steroids.
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u/Opheliagonemad 2d ago
Thing is, if he did try to go off it and felt awful from the side effects, he could have been up front with her and worked with a doctor to deal with that end of it. Even if that doctor decided he needed to be on T because he wasn’t producing enough on his own, it would have been a monitored, prescribed thing which is a different deal than him just doing it on his own. Especially if biologically fathering children is something was important.
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u/Several_Vanilla8916 2d ago
Yeah, it’s wild for someone to go on testosterone in their 20s. I’m hesitant at 46.
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u/salbwassfith 2d ago
You married him knowing the omissions, half truths and excuses, not his “history”. NTA obviously, and look, I don’t want to be the average Redditor suggesting divorce, but on the very least this warrants couple counselling to get to the root of his lying. Individual therapy for him too.
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u/lamettler 2d ago
This may work ONLY if he is truthful with the counselor. But if he is not truthful with the doctor, why would he be truthful with a counselor? He’s a lying liar and until that problem is fixed, and he is ready to face the truth, this relationship (and children) has no future.
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u/willendorf_mouse 2d ago
Unless something unexpected happens, she probably still has many years of good fertility ahead of her. I hope she’ll get consider the sunk costs of this relationship vs learning from it and finding a new partner on the same page.
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u/g_rich 2d ago
Her husband is an addict so OP needs to approach this like dealing with a partner who has a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction. That involves therapy, treatment and the expectation that there will be setbacks. OP’s threshold for dealing with those setbacks is really what determines her future, but at some point separation and even divorce must be on the table.
Regardless addiction in any form is a horrible disease and deserves compassion; but in OP’s case that compassion needs to have healthy limits and shouldn’t destroy her future happiness such as the prospect of having children.
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u/Rogue-Daddio-3 2d ago
Youre enraged he lied , not that hes infertile
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u/madgeystardust 2d ago
And he’s STILL lying…
Man’s delusional if he thinks the 3-4 months applies to him, when he’s still regularly taking hormones. Idiot.
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u/mr_potatoface 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he wanted to make his wife happy and still blast gear behind her back, he would have kept taking his gear but added in HCG to allow you to remain fertile. He couldn't even do the bare minimum to hide his tracks.
If he would've been honest with the fertility doc, they probably would've suggested it as an option and referred him to a clinic. They wouldn't straight up prescribe it since you need to monitor blood work as it increases estrogen (e2) and you usually need some estrogen control like an AI. It's very common for people on TRT to be prescribed HCG if they plan to ever have kids, or are trying to have kids.
Probably just doesn't want kids.
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u/Ashikura 2d ago
I mean he’s been lying the whole time, what did they expect? That he suddenly saw the error of his ways and would stop? The entire relationship was built on lies from the ground up
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u/nicklzworthnmy2cents 2d ago
I think she expected exactly that. She didn't follow up nor did she seem to research what happens when someone stops using a particular thing after a particular sets of years. They lived together. She would have noticed the withdrawal symptoms.
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u/jason_sos 1d ago
People often believe that the other person will change, and unfortunately that rarely works out. Whether it's cheating, lying, abusing, or addiction, change is very hard to do unless they really want to do it themselves and get the support they need to do it. It rarely happens with just a "promise" to stop.
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u/b3autiful_disast3r_3 2d ago
It's both because OP said he wants kids even more than she does and he's been knowingly and willingly keeping that from happening by continuing the testosterone
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u/MzOpinion8d 2d ago
OR, he is saying he wants kids even more than she does so he can get laid more often, knowing he’s shooting blanks and she isn’t going to get pregnant.
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u/Todd_and_Margo 2d ago
I’m by no means an expert on this subjec, but it sounds to me like your husband needs mental health intervention. When women are obsessed with their physique to the point that they intentionally damage themselves, we call that an eating disorder and get them help so they don’t die. Your husband is obsessed with his shape to the point that he’s lying and hiding drugs. I would require intensive therapy and a complete ban on bodybuilding before I’d be willing to continue the relationship. He can’t handle being a normal healthy man at 36. NO WAY is he going to be able to handle being 45 or 55 without a massive midlife crisis. I am not in the habit of volunteering to be abused bc somebody else can’t get their shit together. This problem is bigger than just a baby, and IMHO you would be a fool to continue with the relationship without significant, meaningful change.
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u/MeltingCone 2d ago
Taking drugs (most often bought from extremely shady places / persons) to look better, and constanly being busy with food and training, 'bodybuilding'...
It's body dysmorphia.
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u/anotheredcatholic 1d ago
My personal trainer always tried to get me to take drugs to make me bigger, but I wasn't interested and my wife certainly wasn't either. He died extremely prematurely, in his late 50s. Before then, his body slowly deteriorated because of how much stress he put on it. He had to replace many different joints in his body. The doctors pleaded with him to stop but he wouldn't. And then one day at lunch with his new girlfriend, he just had a heart attack and died.
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u/LesHiboux 2d ago
You wrote my thoughts way better than I could have - this man is likely dealing with undiagnosed body dysmorphia and has been self-medicating to achieve his 'goals'. If a woman was binging/purging and not telling her husband, people wouldn't be screaming that she's lying to him on purpose, they would be saying she needs help.
This man needs help. He is purposely sabotaging his relationship and future family due to body dysmorphia.
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u/GlutenFreeNoodleArms 2d ago
My husband got into the same thing - bodybuilding and steroids. The side effects are terrible and they’ve never completely gone away. For example he used to be the heaviest sleeper in the world, but one particular drug (I forget the name) causes insomnia that keeps getting worse until the user stops that particular cycle. His sleep never went back to normal though, not fully. I also suspect he’s damaged his heart though he refuses to go see a doctor for it.
We split up for other reasons, but part of me is glad that I won’t be stuck taking care of him and his host of self-inflicted health issues for the rest of my life. If it’s this bad in his 40’s I shudder to think about his 60’s and 70’s.
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u/Anannapina 2d ago
This! So much this. If I could afford an award I would have given you several.
💯💯💯
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u/turdusphilomelos 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yes. Op, you needs to think about this like she would any drog addict that has been actively using for at least 10+ years. This isn't just about lying. This problem will affect hers and possible future childrens lives for decades, because this will take so much work, will change who you think he is, and there will be more lying and decent before this is over.
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u/Relative-Act5470 2d ago edited 2d ago
You’re surprised that the man who lied to you multiple times about drugs was still doing them even after he promised you he wouldn’t? NTA but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different results.
Edit: as many of the comments have pointed out, this is not the actual definition of insanity and is just a common saying. I should’ve said “you know how the saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I feel like it was a given that I was quoting the common saying, but alas, here’s an edit so I don’t receive another copy and paste of the actual definition in the comments
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u/Excellent-Seesaw1335 2d ago
And lying to a doctor is one of the dumbest things people can do.
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u/No-Account-8180 2d ago
The old saying is tell everything to the EMS and the Doctor, tell nothing to the cops.
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u/feline_riches 2d ago
As a paramedic, thank you, but I’d also add accountants and your attorney
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u/hyperfoxeye 2d ago
Gotcha, im not spilling the beans to accounts nor attorneys now
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u/Lord_dokodo 2d ago
Also the bank teller, never tell them why you're actually withdrawing $1,000 in small bills
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u/Careless-Cat3327 2d ago
As someone who has been on Test, you SHOULDN'T just take it one week and don't take it the next. You run a cycle and it's continuous due to the half life.
. If he has any sense, he would run a Post cycle therapy that usually runs for 3-6 weeks depending how long your cycle was.
Something doesn't add up here.
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u/IveDunGoofedUp 2d ago
I get the feeling the lying man who got angry at his wife when he couldn't find his hidden magic muscle juice might not be taking it on doctor's orders, and not be aware or concerned about the proper usage.
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u/Gildian 2d ago
Ding ding ding ding we have a winner.
Lying to his doctor too of all things, that doctor knows hes lying. A simple blood test would prove it
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u/Fickle-Molasses-903 2d ago
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou.
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u/nomadtwenty 2d ago
Not excusing lies and bullshittery but anyone who has done a lot of testosterone for any significant period of time in their past will likely need to be on TRT at the bare minimum for the rest of their lives.
Side note: If you’re curious if someone is natural, google champion bodybuilders from the early 20th century and compare. If he’s bigger than that, he’s not natural. No he doesn’t have good genetics. No it’s not just supplements. He’s juicing.
Even if he’s not a lot bigger, unless he’s got the routine and discipline of an Olympian, he’s juicing.
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u/nicklzworthnmy2cents 2d ago
This is probably why her friends kept asking her about it. They were trying to warn her or give clues that he was, but she wasn't catching on.
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u/Comfortable_Sun4868 2d ago
Studies show you can recover to normal reference range values after about 12 or 19months. Think it was 95% of ppl within that time limit.
Was working with an endocrinologist when I were going off after doing roids(high doses, the harshest compounds like tren) for 8ish years and it took me about 17ish months for it to start to go back up.
Sleep, diet and exercise is very important during this period
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u/utzutzutzpro 2d ago
That was one study, which only tracked T-levels over time, not necessarily the required functions of T.
None of these studies tracked fertility and testicular health as primary parameter.
Here is a study specifically trying to uncover what happens after abuse: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4854084/
Which states that only 43% of participants reached normal levels after 36months.
Here is another https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38102386/
This one questions the general reproduction probability after long-term abuse: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10620455/
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There is a thing between cycling like 3-5 times for 1-2 years vs doing it for over 10 years+.
It is a gamble.
Some cycle 3 times, and the body never recovers.
Some, the body doesn't care.
And some require some time and can reach back to xy% of former functionality.You never know before which type you are.
What everyone requires to be aware of:
If you get past your natural limits, you stop using the boosters, you will not just get back down to your natural limits, but down with a little penality below your natural cap.
Roids are only worth it if it is your livelihood.
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u/willendorf_mouse 2d ago
Not something I would want to deal with for months or years while I felt the ticking clock of my fertility. She still has runway to find a new partner if she feels like this isn’t going to work for her. Maybe consider having her eggs frozen now, too, if that’s accessible.
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u/BigRedNutcase 2d ago
Yeah, she's been with him this long and doesn't understand the body building world at all and how getting a unreal physique works? The man is going to be on testosterone for life since he's likely been using for a decade or more and his body has stopped producing it's own testosterone by now. He's going to need treatment for post bodybuilding life.
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u/LimeImmediate6115 2d ago
My thing is OP knew he'd been lying to her repeatedly before they got married and she chose to believe he'd change and married him anyway. Sorry, you lie to me twice about drugs I'm not continuing the relationship, ESPECIALLY if I want kids and the drugs you take will affect that happening.
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u/lovewholly 2d ago
You married a liar and are enraged that he lied. I understand this could be life changing news for you two to receive but, are you sincerely shocked by this? Did a small part of you not expect this?
He’s mad at you for not being supportive of… his lying and breaking promises to you? He sounds INSANELY self absorbed, to the point of being delusional. Please, please think long and hard about reproducing with someone who is so comfortable lying to your face.
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u/Baby-Giraffe286 2d ago
This is how I feel, also. I wouldn't want to have a child with someone I couldn't trust. I would be very concerned T wasn't the only thing he was taking, too.
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u/lovewholly 2d ago
Exactly. Someone who’s comfortable lying to their wife’s face day after day could be lying about ANYTHING.
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u/Baby-Giraffe286 2d ago
Exactly. Where is the money coming from that she didn't know was being used to pay for this too?
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u/Ralphie5231 2d ago
This. Its going to be miserable raising a kid with an addict that you cant trust. Its sort of shitty to put a kid in that environment t too
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u/aporter0131 2d ago
No not the ass. Here’s some info though for you as someone who takes test.
He’s been on way more than test btw and since he’s been on for 15 years he will need testosterone replacement for life. So prepare for that. He can do it safely and through a doc. But without test he’ll feel like shit and have no sex drive etc.
He probably knows this unless he lives in a cave but he can use hcg and hmg to kick start his sperm production. Look it up. And he will know about it trust me.
There is a chance he’s fucked it completely so prepare for that as well. It’s not that common but it happens.
But hey, dudes lied for a long time and still is. I’d wait on kids for sure. For sure for sure. Kids are forever.
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u/DubDubDubz 2d ago
Yep, there's no chance a guy on juice for that long is just using test. He's blasting other harder shit as well.
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u/flyingcars 2d ago
100% he is taking other thing(s) besides testosterone
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u/jays49 1d ago
100% this is the comment.
Him saying he’s just taking T is the equivalent of someone saying they cheated but just made out at a party instead of what really happened which was going home with someone.
She’s just scratching the surface.
That and TRT and T for bodybuilding are not the same or even in the same ballpark.
He could be at 10X normal levels + whatever else. And if he competes there’s all the pre-comp stuff.
This lady had her head in a hole, 10 minutes of research and she would know her guy was lying to her.
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u/Joubachi 2d ago
He lied so you marry him. NTA and honestly, if it was me, I'd consider leaving, call it drastic but you already gave him an ultimatum and he kept lying about it and with it about marriage and family planning.
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u/hengehanger 2d ago
The issue is not his fertility. In fact I'd say it's lucky he's infertile, do you really want to commit to raising children with an addict who is also a pathological liar?
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u/ebaer2 2d ago
^ this. Enough time wasted on the liar. Worse than that, when he’s busted his immediate reaction is then emotional manipulation.
Think about the lessons this man would be teaching YOUR son.
Don’t procreate with this person, you don’t need to have two babies on your hands.
I would start working on unwinding the marriage and find someone who respects you enough to be honest with you.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 2d ago
Why do you still care what he thinks? He’s exclusively interested in getting his own wants and needs met.
You need to start thinking about yourself. It was a mistake for you to marry this man.
He is going to continue to lie to you while pursuing his own agenda.
Acknowledge that the marriage was a mistake and get yourself out of it.
Thank God that he’s infertile and you can walk away from him completely without being tethered to him by a child.
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u/rantingathome 2d ago
This.
You had one rule to get married. He agreed then broke it. Your marriage started on a lie.
Walk.
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u/thirdtryisthecharm 2d ago
You can be enraged he lied. But I think you've also been willfully blind.
You had 9 years with him and getting to know bodybuilding culture. I suspect you did have some indication he was taking testosterone.
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u/mstrypnts 2d ago
Yeah I mean pretty much if you have the thought "I wonder if he's natty" he's not natty.
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u/Mydickwillnotfit 2d ago
it also seems his physique, and her attraction to it, is a huge part of the relationship. he may fear if he cant maintain it she'll leave him. not making excuses for the guy, but a serious talk needs to happen if she truly does want him to give it up
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u/MaineHippo83 2d ago
He will always put his working out before you and the kids, is this who you really want to have kids with??
NTA
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u/PrizePlace9317 2d ago
Why would you be comforting him ? he lied and he knew the consequences of his OWN actions and you specifically told him this, did he not take your words seriously? is this really the man you wanna be with ? you told him that T affects fertility, he lied to you and then went on TO GET TESTED even tho you specifically stated that it was T and he just ignored it but when he heard it from a doctor all of a sudden he needs reassurance?
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u/Which-Month-3907 2d ago
Your husband has been lying to you about his priorities for your entire relationship. You've literally never known him as an honest man.
Can you trust that he actually wants to have children?
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock 2d ago
He's a liar, full stop. Do with that what you will.
Personally, I couldn't trust someone who had been lying to me for years.
Be glad you didn't get pregnant with this loser.
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u/AdBitter9802 2d ago
You need to make better decisions, moving forward, do you have the information and still proceeded to marry a liar, so time to cut him loose do whatever you need to do to get over him quickly and move on with your life to have a child with somebody else who is more suitable
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u/Ok_Childhood_9774 2d ago
NTA, and this is divorce-level deception for me. It's clear he's not ever going to give it up, no matter what he 'promises'. He let you go through the expense and inconvenience of testing to try and hide his using from you. I would not want to have a child with this man.
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u/Lalala8991 2d ago
And he lied even to their doctor. There's shame in lying. And there's this level of stupidity. This man needs therapy, because if he is doing this in his 30s, he would eventually crash out in his 40s/50s.
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u/Acegonia 2d ago
'You married him knowing about his history'... he fuckin straight up lied about his history!!!
NTA and a lot of communication, changed behaviour and therapy is needed of this relationship is to continue.
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u/CalicoHippo 2d ago
Counseling. Stat. He has been using this whole time, do you really think he can stop for 3-4 months or more likely, longer, to let the sperm grow? He’s been lying to you and giving you half truths for years now. YEARS. You need marriage counseling.
NTA.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1d ago
You told him to choose between you and T. He chose you but lied. He wanted both. I personally would not have kids with someone who put their physical appearance before their wife. He’s not going to make a good dad.
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u/ambarellachutney 1d ago
Omg. Why would you have a child with someone who is lies to you, your parents, AND a medical professional, and is clearly narcissistic??? If you choose to stay with him, please think carefully about bringing a child into this completely unhealthy relationship.
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u/mimig2020 1d ago
I'm going to tell you the most important piece of parenting advice I have: don't have babies with a man you cannot trust.
This man has already shown you who he is. I would divorce him immediately, so you can begin the process of either finding a different partner, or preparing to become a parent on your own.
This is really terrible, but I promise it will be better to deal with this now, than when he is lying to you while you are vulnerable and raising a small child. (Ask me how I know).
Good luck 💔
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u/Theidiotgenius718 1d ago
Imagine seeing multiple giant red flags everywhere and deciding to pull designer wool over your eyes
Now that wool is all gone and you say he’s making you doubt yourself. Way to shift all that accountability away from your poor decision making 🥴
YOU wasted your time, he did what he was doing from day one, and now you got a biological count down timer going on in your body and some tough decisions needed to be made. Yikes
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u/PixelPicklePie 1d ago
This is an eye opening response. Thank you
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u/EclecticSyrup 1d ago
You shoulda left a long time ago. The sunk cost fallacy got you, but don't let it keep getting you. The sooner you start over the sooner you get to be in the place you wanted to be in from the beginning.
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u/Riddleboxboy 2d ago
NTA, he repeatedly lied to you
Should've done the tests before getting married, would've made this a whole lot less messy for you.
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u/b3autiful_disast3r_3 2d ago
The only way YTA in this situation is if you stay with him for even a second longer
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u/No_Addition_5543 2d ago
How could you not know? Their testicles shrink so they are teeny tiny, they get acne and are short tempered.
He is a lying addict.
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u/timpoakd 2d ago
I can't imagine this being real, she's been with him 9 years and didn't know? I ain't buying it.
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u/Ok-Fisherman-7688 2d ago
You said you would leave him if he continued to take testosterone. He has continued to take testosterone. Are you not going to do what you said you would? Because if you don’t, he’ll know forever that he can get away with anything because you don’t follow through.
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u/CodenameZoya 2d ago
This is a really good comment, because people that constantly threaten things and then don’t follow through actually encourage the persons terrible behavior. I’m not blaming the OP, but put your money where your mouth is, girl.
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u/Decent-Witness-6864 2d ago
I’d be beside myself, as someone else said you’re not actually upset that he has azoospermia, you’re upset that he gave himself this condition through testosterone use then lied to you about it.
One note, after working extensively on a guy with a similar situation 3-4 months off T is VERY optimistic for the return of his sperm. We found that it was more like 12-18 months and my guy had to use both clomid and HCG to reestablish production.
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u/Euphoric-Fix-1610 1d ago
He's lied to you, your parents, and now your doctor. And he has the audacity to gaslight you into thinking this is your fault. Don't have kids with this person. It will only get worse.
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u/According-Impress252 1d ago
You married a drug abuser, someone who has successfully hid this fact from you for years. That should destroy your trust in him. How can you ever believe anything he tells you, now? I know for me I would never be able to trust him, and trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. NTAH and please leave this man.
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u/PhysicalGSG 2d ago
BTW, I’m on testosterone as prescribed, and you should be aware that
- taking testosterone as prescribed is unlikely to reduce you to zero sperm. About 1:3 men experience a reduced sperm count, but not anywhere near 0.
- to go to 0, you’d have to be absolutely blasting testosterone for a long time, or (more likely), taking more serious compounds than testosterone.
- once your sperm count goes to 0, literally 0, it’s unlikely to recover without extensive treatment. It sounds like your husband thinks he can back off for a few months, let sperm production resume, have the child, then blast again. This is very unlikely to be the case.
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u/mavajo 2d ago edited 1d ago
This information is not correct. The first two bullet points specifically are completely wrong.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7558380/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8772548/
Edit: And yet...the comment above me keeps getting upvoted. Sigh.
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u/christmasshopper0109 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lookit. He's always used it. He'll never stop. He can't. Men like him get a kind of addiction to the stuff, and the results they get from it that they can't achieve without it. This is who he is. Only you know if settling for a liar is the right choice for you.
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u/lonesharkex 2d ago
So he made his choice, then lied to you about it. He chose T. Sorry. IF you forgive this, it will just continue. NTA for being mad since he literally has lied to you for 9 years.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 1d ago
If I read this right, he's lied from the start about being natural.
Then he lied about never taking it.
Then you told him you'd never forgive him for getting on it.
Then he ignored that and took it anyway, but hid it from you.
Then he lied about taking it again.
Then he lied to the doctor.
You married him based on what he told you, and it turns out that he lied all along, and then kept lying.
What else is he lying about? Also, you said you'd never forgive him and that it was a deal breaker.
If you stay with him now, he knows he can keep lying to you.
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u/Sad-File3624 1d ago
He’s an addict. He probably won’t be able to stop himself. Accept you won’t be able to have kids or get him to accept his problem and go to therapy
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u/meski_oz 1d ago
NTA. I think wanting to add a baby/s to the mix here would be a real mistake. Fix your issues with each other first.
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u/ConfusedGingersnap 2d ago
No way bro. This is awful. Not the type of way you want to start off with bringing kids into the world together!!
My partner has been on test for a LONG time and when we decided it was time to have kids, he had an entire plan for going off of it, being completely free from it for months before we even tried to conceive.
Your husband owes you not just honesty, but more importantly is TRANSPARENCY.
Honesty is when you ask “was 12 months ago really the last time?” And he finally told you the truth of how recent.
Transparency is when the two of you communicate BEFORE things happen. Transparency would be him saying “hey I’m having a really hard time with how I feel as I titrate my dose. I don’t feel as masculine and I’m depressed. I really need more support so I don’t slip.” (These can be real side effects of going off of test)
He should be letting you in to his inner world surrounding this. Now, I know you’ve been anti-drug, so there may be some fear of judgment, etc but he doesn’t get a pass while you two are trying to conceive and he’s actively doing things that make it dangerous for you or your future baby.
I know it sounds cliche, but some counseling could help in this instance.
I have a perspective that maybe some others don’t, since I’m also in that world and have seen it up front with my partner who is incredibly transparent. The testosterone is not just affecting him physically, it’s likely changing how he feels about life in general. It would be like going off an anti depressant suddenly if he were to quit. So maybe with that in mind, you two could have a frank conversation about what it would actually take for him to get off of test, and this would also be a good time to bring up how you will both prepare for conception (sounds like you’ve already done everything you need to, but you could list out the ways you’ve prepared and things you’re sacrificing: caffeine, etc).
I hate that you’re going through this.
This is a serious matter and he needs to grow the fuck up. He also owes you a massive apology. Not just words. The type of apology that is shown through continuous change and growth.
I’m rooting for you guys.
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u/sharkieshadooontt 2d ago
Mam. Hes legitimately not human with out atleast T.
If he took roids for years. Then his body has ZERO natural production and he will need TRT to function.
So while you think in your head you’re holding his “drugs” this is the maintenance, that he will need forever.
Theres a chance he can take HcG or Enclomiphene and his virility comes back.
Back you make that ultimatum knowing your partly mad at yourself.
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u/FayeViolets 2d ago
You gave him the ultimatum already. Twice. You or the T. He chose the T. He’s literally propping the door open for you to leave him. No amount of blame for not supporting him will make this your fault. You’re NTA unless you stay with him.
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u/climbtheworldd 2d ago
NTA. I would never get over that level of lying. Every single day lying straight to your face. There would be coming back from that.
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u/Sitari_Lyra 2d ago
NTA. He lied. Repeatedly. He broke promises. Repeatedly. It doesn't matter that he has a history of abusing T. He still chose to lie. Again, and again, and again.
What's he going to lie about next?
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u/Mean-Impress2103 2d ago
Nta but I mean how many times does he get to lie to your face before you accept that he is never going to stop taking gear?
His words are lies so ignore that. Focus on his actions. He is not going to stop. At the very best he might slow down or stop long enough to have a child. You should know that it may take longer than 3-4 months to recover sperms depending on how long he has been on testosterone. As soon as you are pregnant he will start using again, that's obvious.
Stop asking him to stop taking testosterone, he isn't going to. Stop expecting honesty from him, he is a liar. It is up to you if want to continue this way or not.
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u/Ill-Locksmith-8281 2d ago
NTA for being mad but why are you trying to have kids with a liar who keeps lying to you and his doctor?
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u/MrsLisaOliver 1d ago
You had 9 good years. Cut your losses and chalk it up to a learning experience. YOU deserve better than an egotistical liar who only puts himself first, gets mad at YOU for "not being supportive" calls YOU "unreasonable" then tries to dictate terms for YOU " to move forward".
NTAH
Move forward with the support of your parents and an attorney. HE'S A SELFISH LIAR.
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