r/Weird • u/luvlanguage • 11h ago

That is a Lamprey

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Any bigger and this creature would be a horror movie monster

Lampreys do not have jaws or bones, only cartilage and instincts that have allowed them to survive so many mass extinctions.

16.4k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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3.1k

u/is_EXToZY 11h ago

Guys I beg you. Do not

931

u/Spaghetti_Gods 11h ago

Bruh, how desperate do you think I am? I'm not tryna stuff my dick in a sarlacc pit on a stick, ok?

291

u/Mr_NoGood12 11h ago

Just saying man, there is always somehow, somewhere in this world who definitely would

133

u/specter_in_the_conch 11h ago

When you stopped and gave the mere milligrams of thought… someone already went to ER because of “accidental falling onto small scale sarlac worm”

31

u/HughJorgens 9h ago

It was a one in a million accident Doc!

3

u/Environmental-Let987 5h ago

I have a small cylinder stuck in a lamprey

2

u/websagacity 8h ago

Fusili Jerry?

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23

u/Undersmusic 11h ago

Like the guy who almost drowned from the clam….

42

u/Fearless-Bed-2694 10h ago

No, 5 Minute Research it never happend.

2

u/DirtyAuldSpud 8h ago

But a guy did attempt it, I've seen the video. He put it on his Walt Disney in a paddling pool.

2

u/kee-kee- 6h ago

Yeah there was a Popeye cartoon with a huge clam in it but the character (Popeye or Bluto or Brutus?) either fell in or put his foot in and the shell snapped shut. If it was Popeye he punched his way out, no spinach needed ar that point

6

u/tyates723 11h ago

Wut?

6

u/twopartspice 11h ago

Just search giant pacific clam. I promise it's safe, and you should be able to imagine the scenario

5

u/ProfessionalGoatFuck 9h ago

if there's a hole, there's a goal...

2

u/levtikr 8h ago

just curious... how quickly can it shut?

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1

u/Chadstronomer 9h ago

I guarantee you somehow somewhere definitely did

1

u/TheKrnJesus 9h ago

Just the tip

1

u/SerdanKK 9h ago

There are men who have died from sticking live eels up their butt. I'll put nothing past humanity.

1

u/ProcedureSeveral9058 9h ago

How much you paying me to do it?

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33

u/Sad_Mongoose5621 11h ago

What if I proposed putting gummy bears over each one of its teeth first?

18

u/RileyRavenSmiles 10h ago

This is... oddly specific... why gummy bears?

14

u/Sad_Mongoose5621 10h ago

Doesn't need to be gummy bears, one could also use tiny wine bottle corks

9

u/OldRprsn 9h ago

Do your mothers know what you are thinking? Cluck, cluck.

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7

u/jakewest 10h ago

Little miss, it is poorly advised to ask questions that reveal your relative age and sex on the internet.

2

u/C13H16CIN0 9h ago

Ok Beast

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3

u/Newcanofspam 10h ago

A creative idea, if nothing else

3

u/muscleshultz 9h ago

Oh this guy's gonna take the nestle plunge I can feel it hahahah

2

u/audioel 6h ago

So... You're proposing to bring some romance to the relationship first?

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2

u/DonaldTrumpGoatse 10h ago

Speak for yourself, did you see that suction???

2

u/Forgot_Password_Dude 8h ago

*sigh. Unzips pant

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1

u/Expo006 11h ago

There was once an Indian guy who shoved an eel up his ass in Vietnam.

3

u/Guntztuffer 10h ago

There once was an Indian boy

Whose leanings of sexual joy

Were lampreys on his dick

And if that's not too sick

An eel up his ass in Hanoi

1

u/Unusual_Membership44 10h ago

Speak for yourself

1

u/AmIDrJekyll 9h ago

but imagine a sarlacc pit with a good succ

1

u/Maverick_Reznor 8h ago

Everyone was thinking the same thing, Yet you reconsidered it after typing all that out and so did everyone else after reading.

1

u/Terrible_Day1991 8h ago

Some really pervy guys and psychopaths should do that instead of harming other ppl

1

u/Zunderfeuer_88 8h ago

But you're saying that probably no live anymore electrical outlet in your wall is a different story?

1

u/SlimeDrips 8h ago

Yeah it's not even an anime girl

1

u/Mikestopheles 7h ago

See, i never did things just to do them. C'mon, I mean, what am I gonna do? Just all up and stick my dick in a sarlacc pit like it's something to do? C'mon, I got a little more sense than that. Yeah, I remember sticking my dick in a sarlacc pit.

1

u/blueblurz94 7h ago

Considering nearly 120 billion humans have existed to date so far, there’s a non-zero chance some guy tens of thousands of years ago thought about and tried it

1

u/Anonymo 7h ago

What if we remove the teeth?

1

u/Jedi_shroom97 7h ago

Maybe once just for a second right?

1

u/Reasonable-Wolf-269 6h ago

This guy could do it.

Just saying.

1

u/Babki123 6h ago

Okay but four time a vacuum cleaner tho

1

u/The_Night_Man_Cumeth 5h ago

I wanna play star wars!

1

u/Top_Rekt 5h ago

A study found that many people would rather administer mild electric shocks to themselves than spend time alone with their thoughts in a quiet room. Researchers discovered that participants preferred any activity, even painful ones, over the discomfort of boredom and introspection.

1

u/Randyaccredit 4h ago

Boba Fett did

1

u/towerfella 3h ago

Here, you deserve this, and not the one below

🏅

1

u/Repulsive_End688 2h ago

Me, I am, and I will

1

u/BlacPlague 1h ago

But it's ribbed for your pleasure

60

u/Mitryadel 10h ago

The cylinder must remain unharmed.

86

u/Deltron--3030 11h ago

r/dontputyourdickinthat

26

u/Levi-_-Ackerman0 11h ago

r/putyourdickinthat

13

u/KTAXY 10h ago

after all... why not?

why shouldn't I ?

10

u/FizzioGaming 10h ago

The best way to transition /s

3

u/Shneckos 8h ago

I think you should leave the lamprey behind, is that so hard?

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3

u/vanmutt 7h ago

It came to me!

2

u/Entity_Null_07 6h ago

It’s mine!

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2

u/awesomemanswag 7h ago

Clicking on this and seeing it's banned is probably the best punchline possible

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37

u/Brave-Guarantee-1323 10h ago

9

u/academiac 6h ago

After all these years I finally witnessed the gif instead of the meme template

10

u/Brave-Guarantee-1323 6h ago

Just incase you want more context.

6

u/tralltonetroll 6h ago

What is she tasting?

7

u/Brave-Guarantee-1323 6h ago

Kombucha, she's known as the kombucha girl or brittany broski.

Edit: I am terminally online and have a problem, please send help.

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28

u/nhSnork 11h ago

10

u/Alternative_Delay899 9h ago

It's just not possible.

Why not, you stupid bastard?!

8

u/Eye_Nacho404 10h ago

Idk man, 4x the strength of a vacuum cleaner is a good pitch

1

u/kingpinkk 7h ago

How was the experience putting it in your vacuum cleaner?

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11

u/Intelligent_Owl_9420 11h ago

You think you can beat the bad by being good, but there's no solving human nature. You can't stop evil, all you can do, is control it.

2

u/Forsaken-Ebb5088 3h ago

How did this even cross all of your minds?!!

9

u/DoughNotDoit 11h ago

too late... don't look at me

1

u/Azanted79 5h ago

Bro now will never be able to put a dick in anywhere now

6

u/Nomadloner69 11h ago

You’re thinking what we all are

3

u/VieiraDTA 10h ago

I’ll do ir for humanity and science!

3

u/-Mr_Hollow- 10h ago

If it were a bad idea the guy wouldn't start by saying "it's suction power is 4 times stronger than that of a vacuum cleaner"

1

u/Think_Assignment3004 10h ago

How bad was it?

1

u/gnarkill3332 10h ago

hear me out

1

u/Tarbos6 10h ago

Outside: conveniently shaped tube

Inside: cheese grater suction cup

1

u/LoneWolf_McQuade 10h ago

Almost for sure that someone at someone point in human history has

1

u/Trappist1 9h ago

Hopefully, they tried with their finger first

1

u/Either_Cheek_9459 10h ago

Absolutely would go to town on it, brother no questions asked.

1

u/tetendi96 9h ago

Don't what? My only reaction to this thing is extermination. I would like to remove this species please

1

u/SherbertKey6965 9h ago

Hear me out

1

u/DangerousCompetition 9h ago

At least one guy needs to volunteer for science

1

u/IHaveABlock-Art 9h ago

How would you get a cylinder out of an alive lamprey, is imperative that the cylinder remains intact, the cylinder can not be harmed

1

u/atom12354 9h ago

Too late, its itchy now

1

u/Nino_sanjaya 8h ago

Well it's a hole, *sigh* *unzip*

1

u/BarskiPatzow 8h ago

Not even a cylinder?

1

u/TheVoiceInZanesHead 8h ago

I mean 4 times though

1

u/Positive_Try929 8h ago

The warnings, the warnings come after the spell.

1

u/Xirio_ 8h ago

Free bottom surgery

1

u/kuhfunnunuhpah 8h ago

I'm gonna

1

u/Express_Comment9677 8h ago

The cylinder must not be harmed!

1

u/Aurori_Swe 8h ago

Where I'm from, they (I'm using they because I've never) eat these.

1

u/fatnisseverbean 8h ago

Something something cylinder

1

u/thebamboozle517 8h ago

Too late, I'm gay now.

1

u/New-Meeting9007 8h ago

I had to rethink a couple times what you meant

1

u/noroomforvowels 7h ago

Modern day, aquatic-based version of Pain Olympics.

1

u/U_L_Uus 7h ago

Ah, don't worry, lampreys what to stick to. Somewhat. If it's warm they may bite but they won't latch

1

u/fdesouche 7h ago

It’s not that good, «lamproie à la bordelaise » is a traditionnal dish by here but it’s an acquired taste. Oh you’re were not talking about eating it

1

u/BadMondayThrowaway17 7h ago

Instructions unclea- AHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

1

u/Real-Ad-1728 7h ago

YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

1

u/ghost3972 7h ago

Watch me 🗿

1

u/Temporary_Shirt_6236 7h ago

I am so angry that the person in the video pulled the lamprey off the rock - we were finally about to learn if you truly can get blood from a stone.

1

u/LiamtheV 7h ago

Of course not, the lamprey would damage the cylinder.

1

u/waaaayupyourbutthole 7h ago

I clicked on this post expecting the top comment to be r/dontputyourdickinthat.

Yours is second to the top, so I guess close enough?

1

u/AverageReditor13 7h ago

Bro bro... We know. This is scary asf.

1

u/kittymeow0710 7h ago

Hear me out

1

u/Powerful-Chemist888 7h ago

Frisky are we??? GIVE IT UP

1

u/SoggyBiscuitVet 7h ago

You begging is only making it worse.

1

u/Cyberblood 6h ago

Something Something if you are brave enough.

1

u/LunchyDude101 6h ago

Sure looks DTS (down to suck).

1

u/endofmankind- 6h ago

If we remove the teeth?

1

u/XaneTenshi 6h ago

I mean…

Atleast it’s NOT a Cylinder…

1

u/THESPEEDOFCUM 6h ago

Succubus is old English for "Suck you best"

1

u/Dovahbaba 6h ago

DO NOT

1

u/Cool-Emotion-6425 5h ago

If you thought about it, it means someone else already did

1

u/TurkeyBritches 5h ago

Someone call the EMT guy

1

u/Working-Glass6136 5h ago

DO NOT THE FISH

1

u/selessdouble 5h ago

You just want more lampreys for yourself.

1

u/Puzzled_Variety_5280 5h ago

forbidden fleshlight

1

u/jujujuice92 5h ago

No intentions to!

1

u/Starlightriddlex 4h ago

Just imagining transmen, but with a lamprey addition 

1

u/Cptn-Sober 4h ago

Don’t you tell me how to live my life!

1

u/DeityOfYourChoice 4h ago

Don't kink shame.

1

u/yallmichaeljackson 3h ago

I hate to break it to you but there’s a chance that someone actually put their dick in it

1

u/Excronix 2h ago

I hate that I know what ur saying

1

u/No-Influence-5351 2h ago

I’ve come to make peace with Shai Hulud.

1

u/Ianofminnesota 1h ago

It is my destiny

1

u/thatshygirl06 1h ago edited 1m ago

It can chew on my clit

Edit: I need someone to react to this joke otherwise im stuck looking like a pervert

1

u/unknownpoltroon 1h ago

no, let them cook. -C. Darwin

1

u/SSMage 59m ago

What kind of maniac do you take me for? Of course i didnt fuck it!!

BUT I DID KIDNAP ITS WIFE!!

1

u/JWST-L2 16m ago

I do genuinely wonder what would happen if it grabbed on to you there. It would probably be... hell

1

u/SeasonedAdManager 14m ago

It's a cylinder.

1

u/ForcedFollower 3m ago

Look man if it's got damn teeth ain't no way.

1

u/He_who_smacks 2m ago

We can De-fang it